September 23, 2000

As the world turns, all my children are in General Hospital.
While I am in another world, searching for tomorrow with young and the restless.
These are the days of our lives....

Somebody wrote that on the chalkboard in my 8th grade history class. And at the moment, I feel that I have been plunged even deeper into a soap opera. So, let's play catch-up using emails again.

[Monday, August 21, 2000]
I just went through getting physicals scheduled for my children like the judge wanted.

My soon-to-be ex did agreed to the peditrician, but no one told me until today. I called the office. First they didn't have an appointment until the 18th of September. I even made sure she meant "1"-"8". Then I was transferred to another office person and it was the 11th. Then I was transferred back the first one and she made it the 8th. No "1" in front of it, just "8".

Okay, that will work.

BUT they will NOT accept my husband's insurance, because they are not listed as a preferred provider. In short, I will have to pay $320 out of pocket, send him the bill to submit to his insurance, and have him not only pay me back the insurance portion, but his too.

Anyone want to bet that I won't see a single penny of this?

And to make it worse, the first office worker was someone who was deliberately dense or had a hearing problem. I don't normally have problems with people with accents, but I think some people use it as an excuse not to listen carefully in the first place - because not only did I have to repeat myself several times, but I ended up saying it loud enough that now my whole office knows what's going on. The second lady also had an accent and she had no problem understanding me.

I want to cry now.

My lawyer's office called me the next day and told me that they got the judge to sign an order to have my ex to pay the bill before the appointment. I was quite surprised and pleased with their proactiveness. Unfortunately, my ex and his lawyer then said that they didn't *really* agree to the pediatrician and protested - so I did pay it all (I'll get to this later), but her report will still be accepted in court.

But somewhere around this time, my ex starting to drop off weekly child support money orders to my lawyer's office. We're not sure how he is calculating the amount, but by every calculation the lawyer's office has used, he's stiffing me by a few dollars on each one and the amount is slightly different each week.

A few days after that last email, my truck popped something and began shuddering really bad. I was pressed for resources, so I asked one of the lists I'm on whether or not it was a good idea to drive it then.

Below is the result...

[Saturday, August 26, 2000]
Bad, bad idea.

My only counsolation (sp?) is that the truck gave out near the shop I was planning to take it to in the first place.

Unforutnately, my fibromyalgia is bad today and while pushing the truck into a parking lot, up a slight incline, I lost my footing and fell underneath it.

Good news - my large body stopped it before it hit someone else.
Bad news - it drugged me a few feet first.

A city bus driver and another man helped me out and get the truck into an handicap spot. Someone called 911 and the police and fire dept made sure I was okay and someone is going to see if they can fix it.

They wanted to take me to the hospital, but I'm only bruised and I didn't whack my head, so I told them no.

Someone else is going to take me grocery shopping. The person who took me home also took me to my bank before the drive-in part closed - I remembered that my ATM card had gotten screwed up a few weeks back, which is why I decided to take a chance and go ahead and drive.

My sister's neighbor replaced the u-joint and the whole thing costed me much, much less than I was expecting. Words cannot express my gratitude on the whole matter.

My knee is still swollen from the encounter, but the truck runs much better now. I also lost my normal glasses and had to wear my prescription sunglasses until I could get a replacement.

About a week later, someone suggested that maybe I had gained so much weight as a type of personal protection. I scoffed at it at first, but it preyed on my mind, so I again asked my favorite mailing list for their opinion. (I just love these guys!)

[Wednesday, September 6, 2000]
(from something I said previoiusly)

*I don't think that was why I gained so much weight in the first place*

(my addendum)

Damn insomnia. Anyway, I may have to take this statement back. As I mentioned earlier, I did have one guy try to hit on me while I was still with my husband. It was during our third year of marriage. The thing that really blew my mind was that he was doing it at our house with my husband in the next room.

He was fiddling with my computer (He actually did more to it than I wanted and ended up crashing it and I had to rebuild everything) and making all these comments about how interesting I was, what beautiful way I had with words, and such. I wanted to keep an eye on what he was doing to my computer because even though he had a file I needed, I didn't trust him. But he made me so uncomfortable that I kept going into the living room and asking my husband if he would like to come into the computer room. I even told him I would *feel* much better if he was in the room with us. He said no.

I didn't want to be more obvious because my intuition said that this jerk would have probably deliberately destroyed my computer then. (Found out from a few other people later I was right on this account.) So, I did my best to hurry things up and get him into the living room. Even then, he wouldn't go away until I got my husband to start bragging about a sword he had made (he's a machinist). I even retrieved it and let him show off. Finally, the guy decided it was his best interest to leave.

I told my husband what he had been doing while messing with the computer and my husband said, "Well, I got the impression he wanted more than just friendship with you."

"Then why didn't you come into the room when I asked you to?" I asked.

He just shrugged and said that I handled things well enough. But if my husband had been in there, I could have kept a close eye on the jerk and I would have caught what he was doing wrong before he screwed up my system. I had warned him I had something on there he wasn't familiar with and he had to prove me wrong by messing with it when I was out of the room. I chewed him out big time over the modem and he spent the next few months trying to make my life miserable on the BBSes and failed.

I'm going to interrupt this email to insert something about how one type of Narcissistic Personality views marriage. Though it may not have much to do with this particular incident, it fits mine almost to a T and may add more to any possible subconscious motivation I may have had to gain weight.

However, as the memories of the crisis fade, as the Narcissistic wounds heal, as the Narcissistic cycle re-commences and the balance is restored the second type of Narcissist reveals his true colors. He abruptly loses interest in sex and in all his sexual partners. The frequency of his sexual activities deteriorates from a few times a day to a few times a year. He prefers intellectual pursuits, sports, politics, volunteering anything but sex. This kind of Narcissist is afraid of encounters with the opposite gender and is even more afraid of emotional involvement or commitment that he fancies himself able to develop following a sexual encounter. In general, such a Narcissist will withdraw not only sexually but also emotionally. If married he will lose all overt interest in his spouse, sexual or otherwise. He will confine himself to his world and make sure that he is busy enough not to have time for anything else, especially not for his nearest (and supposedly dearest). He will become completely immersed in "big projects", lifelong plans, a vision, or a cause all very rewarding Narcissistically and all very demanding. He will regard sex as an obligation, a necessity, or a maintenance operation needed in order to preserve the comfortable human cell that he has constructed for himself. He will not enjoy sex and by far prefer to engage in the auto-erotic variety to masturbate - or in object sex, like going to prostitutes. Actually, he will regard his mate or spouse as an "alibi", a shield against the attention of other women, an insurance policy which will preserve his virile image while making it socially and morally commendable for him to avoid any intimate or sexual contact with other women. While ignoring women around him (a form of aggression) he will feel righteous in saying: "I am loyal to my wife". At the same time, he will feel hostile towards her for ostensibly preventing him from freely expressing himself sexually with others, for isolating him from carnal pleasures. The thwarted logic goes like this: "I am married/attached to this woman. Therefore, I am not allowed to be in any kind of touch with other women, which might be interpreted as more than casual or businesslike. This is why I refrain from having anything to do with women - because I am loyal, as opposed to most other immoral men. However, I do not like this situation. I envy my free peers. They can engage in sex and romance as much as they want to - while I am confined to this marriage, chained by my wife, my freedom curbed. I am angry at her and I will punish her by abstaining from having sex with her". He will minimize all types of intercourse with his close social circle (spouse, children, parents, brothers and sisters, very intimate friends): sexual, verbal, or emotional. He will limit himself to the rawest exchanges of information and isolate himself socially. This way he insures against a future hurt and avoids the intimacy that he so dreads. But, again, this way he also secures abandonment and the replay of old, unresolved, conflicts. Finally, he will really be left alone, with no secondary sources of supply. In his search for them, he will again embark on ego-mending bouts of sex, followed by the selection of a spouse or a mate (a secondary Narcissistic supply source). Then the cycle will commence: a sharp drop in sexual activity, emotional remoteness and cruel detachment leading to abandonment.

The second type of Narcissist is mostly sexually loyal to his spouse. He alternates between what appears to be hyper-sexuality and a-sexuality (really, forcefully repressed sexuality). In the latter phase, he feels no sexual urges, bar the most basic. He is, therefore, not compelled to "cheat" upon his mate, betray her, or violate the sacred contract. He is much more interested in making sure that the next day will not witness a worrisome dwindling of the Narcissistic supply that really matters. Sex, he says to himself, contentedly, is for those who can do no better.


Now, back to the rest of the email:
And while I was laying in bed trying to sleep with all this rattling through my brain, I remembered the first time someone made an advance on me. It was a middle aged man on my newpaper route. He wasn't interested in the local paper at all until he saw that I was now doing the route instead of the boy who had it before me. He made some comment about having to show our young women support. I always felt uncomfortable around him. He would make me come into his garage to get my money.

Then one day, about six months before my family moved out of state, he asked me point blank what I would do if a man tried to grab me. I sputtered a "What?" and he said for me to imagine that I was walking back home on the next street and to suppose that *he* jumped over the fence and tried to grab me. I told him, quite truthfully, that he would be jumping into the yard of someone I went to church with and preceded to explain how I could easily zig-zag from one family I knew to another clear to my house house.

I told my mom about it when I got home and her brilliant idea was for me to take one of my little sisters with me whenever I went out on my route. My brother went with my other sister who had a route too. Luckily this bastard was at the end of my route and by the time my sister and I got to his street, I had a plan. I identified the houses I trusted and introduced the people to my sister. Then I discretely pointed out this man's house and told her that under no circumstances was she ever to step inside that house or that garage. And if something happened to me, she was to go to one of the houses I told her was safe and get help.

She did what she was told and three weeks later, stood outside as I went into the garage to get my money. He didn't see her at first, but when he did, his face became dark. Being an evil little thing even back then, she gave him a big smile and stood her ground. He never said hardly anything to me after that.

I did gain weight during this time. My mother had gotten me a dress for a school choir concert at the beginning of the month. We could only find it in a size ten and had to pin it on me. At the end of the month, I wore it to a wedding and it was tight. A week later, I couldn't wear it at all.

Damn. If it's true that I use my weight as a protection, where do I go from here?

On the 8th, the physicals went well. According to the doctor the only real problem was dental, which was something I was working on and my soon-to-be ex complained he got a lot of bills for.

Monday, September 11, was a very bad day for me. Someone reported that my estranged husband had been sexually inapropriate with our daughter and it also sounded that the same source reported me for not keeping our place clean enough. The inviestigator took the kids out of school and after questioning them, called me from work so he could question me. We spent the first two thirds of the time discussing my soon-to-be ex's sexually habits and then my health and what type of help I needed to keep things up.

Needless to say, I spent over week stunned and shocked. At the same time, my load at work had increased unexpectedly and that Wednesday, for *no* discernable reason, my truck stopped working on the way home. I hiked, sore leg and all, to a nearby church and called someone from my own to get someone to help me.

I had made some suggestions of who I thought could help, but the person I called couldn't get a hold of them, so she called other people instead - giving me a chance to learn more about a few other church members. Turns out that the father of the family who took my kids from Cub Scouts, makes eye glasses for a living and made me a new pair, using the presciption I still had. The truck hasn't acted up since, but I must admit that it was a blessing in disguise.

Despite his insistance that he would talk to the kids' dad that week, the CPS investigator did not and one of my sisters emailed me for an update...

[Monday, September 18, 2000]

Beats me. I haven't heard back from anyone and neither has my lawyer. I guess I will need to just sit back and wait.

My in-laws, (one brother in-law and his wife), called Saturday night to talk with me. They hadn't heard anything, but they weren't surprised. They think my husband or another family member may have called it in so they can claim I'm harassing poor, innocent, little (what's-his-name) and he can play the martyr - his favorite pasttime. Further more, (the wife) thinks they did it because of her. She chewed them out big time for maligning me a few weeks back and a few days before that she had mentioned that the one thing she could not stand was a woman who falsely reports her ex to CPS to get him out of the kids' life. She believes that they would do this to *prove* to (the wife) that I am scum.

I protested that surely they wouldn't put the kids through such trauma, but she reminded me of several other incidences where they ignored what happened to the innocent to get their vengeance.

I don't know. All the scenarios I've been coming up with seem equally plausible. I really couldn't tell you want is more likely.

And I still can't tell you...

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