March 5, 2000
I live in an insane world. I don't know about the rest of you, but I do. I am now working under a woman whose goal seems to be to make sure I become nothing more than a phone answerer, despite the fact I was told I would be given an opportunity to prove my computing skills. This same person has been acting self-righteous everytime I admit to any type of flaw and goes on and on on how she doesn't do things like that. I also cannot mention my divorce without her sighing and saying how glad she is that her marriage is so perfect. Once or twice, I can handle, but this got to the point of ridiculousness.

Speaking of my divorce, according to my lawyer, my husband's lawyer said that he would be willing to sign once we took out the stuff about the house. After making me sign that stupid agreement in the summer, it still went into foreclosure and no one told me or my lawyer until a week ago.

Anyway, I was hoping that this meant my husband has finally decided to stop making my life miserable, but in the back of my mind I must admit I knew better. And I did. He called today and said that the LORD has told him that we need to work things out. (The Lord told me that two years ago and I acted on it and got us into counseling. Why wasn't he listening then?) I asked what he was going to change to make things better and he said that he would stop working overtime and spend more time with the kids (he doesn't know that I now make as much money as he does). When I asked about our relationship, he said, "Well, the way I see it, you didn't want to be in a celestal marriage and weren't willing to do what was necessary to achieve one." He went on to say that it was my decision alone to stay at home and that I didn't do anything at home. I pointed out that he was the one who stopped going to church, and he said, "I stopped going to church because I felt trapped in a marriage that was going nowhere." There were other things said - he accused me of doing the very things he had done - and I told he that I wasn't going back because he was still the person I had left last year and that he hadn't changed. He said that I wasn't listening to him, but my own prejudices. I started quoting him back and he started accusing me of lying to him since the beginning of our marriage. Now, when he said that in court and was asked to explain, he said that I lied because I said I was going to do certain things (which he never specified) in the raising of our children and that I didn't do them. How many people do you know who actually raised their children the way they thought they would before they had them? It's not like I promised someone they could finish their college and swore we would do anything to make it happen, only to not even consider the possibility later. It's not like I swore that we would never have anything over a PG-13 rating in the house and then start buying R movies and bringing home porn magazines. He, on the other hand, did.

So much for hoping to have those papers signed this month. He's determined to make me suffer as long as he can and he's still not paying child support. *sigh!* My lawyer apologized to me last week and said that divorces don't normally go this way (with the other party refusing to say or do anything until the last moment and then going overboard). Personally, I think my husband brings new definition to the term passive-aggressive. I did thank him for making it clear that our relationship would never work. I hung up on him when he started of accusing me of lying with an edge of hysteria on his voice. It was so unreal. He wanted me to come back to the same relationship we had before. So much for him telling his family that he would never take me back.

A week or so before all of this, I added more to the Pilgrimage series. Now there's The City and The Tree.

March 16, 2000
Last week was a good one. I had to beg God for help, but for the first time in a long time, I actually felt happy. Two old friends let me know that they were still alive and well. I got my income tax return (Uncle Sam has a heart after all). People were decent to me and I actually got myself a real bed. My lawyer was confused about my husband's actions, but assured me that he can't stretch this process out forever.

This week has been a little harder, but still good things have happened. I received the above award from the Ladies of the Heart - an online women's group I belong to with over 4000 members worldwide. I also got some very pretty globes -

I feel so overwhelmed sometimes, but I know things have to get better sometime. My current worry is that my soon-to-be ex will try to get out of paying child support by taking the kids and running. I know he can't get too far, but he had been literally unreasonable. I hope the lawyers are right and he does sign the final divorce papers. I'll know soon. He gets the kids this weekend.

March 29, 2000
Well, I finished writing my pilgimage last week and learned to forgive myself a little. I've been wanting to forgive Quixote/Faust all along, but I was afraid of trusting people again (or my judgment). So, when I finally fogave myself, the rest was easy. Read about my thistle seed to see what I mean.

My eSTRANGEd husband has our final papers and I'm positive he's not going to sign them. He's been trying to bully me back into our mockery of a marriage. I guess I'm suppose to go back and take my punishment like a good little girl. I don't think so, Maynard! I may have given in quite a few times in our marriage, but I wasn't that subservient. The man has totally lost whatever few marbles he had in the first place. He's treating me like property. He left me a message in my voice mail Monday - "This is YOUR HUSBAND..." I deleted the sucker. He wants me to get the kids at the "halfway" point (over 150 miles away for me - it's not really halfway) by 6pm on Friday and I don't get off work until 5:30. Further more I would have to take the kids out of school to make it by that time with traffic and construction and all. When I pointed that out, he told me that was my problem. I think I will leave a message on my answering machine Friday morning - "This is your EX-WIFE. We'll get there when we get there."

As for work, I am so totally caught up that I really don't know what I'm going to do today while waiting for the phone to ring. Do crayon drawings, I guess...

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