January 4, 2000
Happy Y2K!
Nice to know the world isn't going to tear itself apart with paranoia, isn't it?
The kids had an absolutely wonderful Christmas, despite the fact they were only with
one parent at a time. The teachers at school asked me before Thanksgiving if they
could adopt them for the holidays as two of the 15 children they do this for every year.
Knowing full well that I would be lucky to afford a single gift for each, I accepted.
They just asked that I never tell the kids who the gifts were from.
When they finally got the gifts to me, I was amazed at how much they bought. Then the
day before I was to go to my parents (the kids were already there), my church came by
and gave us even MORE stuff. Santa was a very generous man this year and he only
duplicated one gift. My daughter was amazed. "But Mom, we usually only get maybe
five gifts from Santa!" I explained to her that Santa knew that this year had been a
rough one for the two of them and that he gave them extra stuff to make them feel
better. Then I added that things will probably be better next Christmas and he won't
need to bring so much stuff to us, but that he would help out another family that is
having a rough time.
So, the kids had a wonderful time, except for my daughter breaking out in an inexplicable
case of hives several times. It has stopped now - we think it may had been stress
related.
As for me and the holidays.....let's just say I went temporarily insane in regards of
my own safety and I am very lucky not to be paying for it physically. I know I was
borderline suicidal. It was so strange. I would argue and argue with myself and even
though I knew what I was doing was stupid, I couldn't stop myself. It was as if something
else had taken over me. A very selective something that would still listen to reason if
it was in regards to someone else's well-being, but not my own. Thank God I feel better
now. I am now taking some steps to relieve some of the emotional grief in my soul.
Tonight I buried the part of me still wishing for a fairy tale ending. I've posted the
eulogy. You'll need
to use your "back" button to return here.
And things are starting to look up. I found out today that I will be hired on permanently
at my current job by the end of the month. I'm very glad. I've become very fond of my
coworkers. (They even made me a Christmas stocking to be among theirs and insisted it
had to be packed away so they could use it next year for me.) I'm not sure what my wages
will be, but I suspect they will be close to what my ex is making. As for my divorce, my
lawyer should had already filed the final papers and my ex should be served with them
anyday now.
I also got a note from school. I need to attend a special meeting in regards to my
daughter's learning problems. I am so relieved. For years I have suspected something.
My daughter's way of tackling problems was rather sideways and I could never find a
successful way to help her with concepts.
I spent almost all of highschool babysitting and I have had the opportunity to tutor
people of different ages, but all the techniques I had developed were absolutely useless
on my own daughter. They did work for my son.
But when I started to voice my suspicions, everyone told me I was being an over-reactive
mother. Everyone, except a friend who had also spent a great deal of time with my
children. The teachers would voice their concerns about my daughter, but everytime I
brought up the subject of a learning disability, they would shy away from the idea like
a skittish colt. I use to work with her in the morning and after school with her phonics
and spelling with only a little success.
When I moved in with my sister and her husband, they too noticed there was something wrong.
This time I was told by the school that it wasn't really something to worry about, but
if it didn't get better, then maybe something more should be done.
Well, it didn't get better - it got worse. I'm sure some of it was because of the
separation and not having a full time mom, even my son was beginning to have problems,
but the type of problems my daughter was having were just strange. Even her teacher
had some trouble explaining what was going on. Last October, I was asked if it was
okay if my children entered a special educational program for at least a little while.
I agreed and asked the counselor about having them tested. She said they would look into
it. A few weeks later, I was asked if my son could be tested dyslexia. Later they informed
me that he had qualified for a short term remedial program and would go into it once it
had an opening for him.
Soon, after my initial discussion with the counselor, I had a parent-teacher conference
with my daughter's teacher. We discussed her performance and the teacher kept repeating
how she didn't want my daughter to become discouraged. I agreed with her totally and I
couldn't understand why she kept doing this. Finally, she made the comment that teachers
could not bring up the subject of special testing to a parent. I nearly burst out in
hysterical laughter. After all these years of trying to get my daughter tested, I finally
got someone to pay attention and they wanted me to voice the request in a specific fashion!
I went on and emphatically requested that my daughter be tested for any learning disability
she may have. I added that I suspected she may be ADHD or at least ADD. I wrote an email
about both my children to my dad and when my mom read it, she thought I was talking about
my son and went into a frenzy trying to insist I get my children out of that school
district and that my brother in-law (who was a teacher for awhile) knew about several times
when boys were misdiagnosed for ADD. I groaned and try to quiet the impulse to strangle
her (she was in another state, after all). Then I got a hold of my sister and her husband
to set the record straight. They told me that they had been confused by my mother's
version of what was happening and suspected that she had something wrong. They just
couldn't see anyone thinking my son was ADD. They both then agreed that it would make
more sense if we were discussing my daughter.
It has been months and today was the first time they have gotten in touch with me on this
matter. It only took a few weeks to test my son and I wasn't required to have meeting in
person with anyone. On the 13th of this month, however, I will be attending a meeting with
the counselor, a specialist, my daughter and her teacher. I still don't know what exactly
they found out, but I think this proves that I wasn't over-reacting all those years.
January 6, 2000
I just found out that my ex is trying to get the kids to sneak stuff he
has given us (he decided what was my "half" of our stuff during the
summer) back to him.
I found it strange, but touching last Sunday, when the kids asked me> if they
should bring back a couple of the games they knew were mine the next
time they visited their dad. I muttered it wasn't necessary.
Then, last night they told me that their dad wants them to bring back
the only useful tool he gave me when he divided the stuff - a multi-use
Leatherman plier/screwdriver/etc.
He could had given me the little tool kit he supposedly gave me for
Christmas a few years back, but he gave me this instead. Hardly makes
up for him ruining the tool set I had when before we got married, but I
kept my mouth shut.
What makes this all the more sickening is that he claims that one of
the kids must had taken it accidently and is trying to guilt them into
sneaking this back because he needs it for work.
About this time, it was all I could do to keep from hitting the roof. The
silly thing costs maybe $15 and he has over $2000 (he told me $3000 once)
worth of highly specialized - high quality tools. He's a machinist
with micrometers and calipers. He has more screwdrivers than all the members in
my family combined. (He has more sockets than most pawn shops.) He has at
least 3 heavy duty pliers. And he has to have this little thing? And if he
needed for work so much, why didn't he say something months ago after
we got it?
I hardly have any tools here. A hammer and a pair of vise grips which
I bought, a small screw driver and this multi-tool.
The kids were a little upset because they both swear they didn't take
it and I assured them that it was in the stuff their father gave us. I
remember pulling it out of one of the boxes he packed for me.
I'm not suppose to say anything bad about their dad to the kids, but
what am I suppose to do when he does something like this? When he's
manipulating them and making them feel guilty for something they didn't do?
BAH!
I told the kids that if their dad wants something from us that he needs to
talk to me himself. I also asked advice from several people. I hope when
he realizes he can't get stuff through the kids, he'll stop this, but I'm
worried about what he'll come up with next.
Meanwhile, I've added to my Eulogy page. It's not a pretty thing, but I
felt it necessary:
A Confession
