January 2, 1999
I'm scared. My husband is getting more resentful lately and I'm afraid that
he's planning to lash out here soon.
I still don't have hot water to do laundry or dishes yet, but I do have
several scratches from falling into some old boards with nails in them that
are in the garage. Luckily, I had a tetanus booster shot about 5 years ago.
On the bright side, I do know what I need to do to fix it now and I got some
new teflon tape to seal the leak in the pipe connection. I will probably take care of
it Monday, unless I get so antsy that I decide to do it tonight.
But I have clean laundry now. I went to the laundry mat this afternoon and
did seven loads. It was after 6pm when I got home. I asked my husband if
the kids had eaten dinner yet and he gave me a dirty look. He has been on
the couch since Thursday evening because he's sick. He did have a fever
Thursday, but he doesn't feel hot to the touch when I kiss him good night on
the forehead. He won't take any medicine, because he says they don't work
for him anymore. Outside of him not eating much, he's not showing any signs
of being sick. Perhaps I shouldn't had expected him to watch over the kids,
but then again I still have to fix meals and such even when I show signs of
being extremely sick--I really don't think it would have been that hard to
make sure they had sandwiches or even a bowl of cereal.
Anyway, when the kids got ready for bed, they whispered to me that Daddy says
I waste too much of our money on buying things we don't need. Well, sick
people need fluids and even if by chance he's not really sick, I still am.
I'm still coughing up mucus from my chest and I can only drink so much juice
before it causes other problems. So, I don't think the soda was a waste of
money. Nor the fruit nectar for that matter. If I'm going to drink juice,
I at least want it to have nutritional value and I got it for the cheapest
price in the city. I got him his nacho chips--he can't consider that a waste.
Then I got the kids "Lunchables"--well, maybe that was unnecessary, but heck,
at least it didn't get any more dishes dirty. And I got myself some cheap
tamales which were too mild for me, so the kids got them for dinner and some
spicy Oriental food, which does clear me out and wasn't really that expensive.
If he can send me all over town to find *his* favorite brand of salsa, then
why can't I get something that I know will make me feel better?
Thursday was scary too. My ATM card is now missing from my purse. I hardly
ever use it, but my husband took the checkbook and I promised the kids that
they could buy something for Daddy's birthday. That and I wanted to buy him
a cake. He had eaten up all my chocolate frosting and I didn't have that many
clean dishes. I've been trying to clean some in our one working bathroom,
but my back is hurting from bending over and that fall I took when I was
checking out the water heater. Anyway, when I went to pull it out to pay for
our purchases, it was gone. We left the stuff at the customer service desk
and went to my husband's work to get the check book. Since we have only one
working vehicle, a friend of mine was driving the kids and I around. He was
shocked to see me there, and in front of all the receptionists and secretaries
I told him in a worried tone that my ATM card was lost and that I needed the
check book. He didn't say much, just that he had it and then he went and got
it. I explained that I had promised the kids they could get him something
the night before, but I was too sick to let them do it right then--which was
true and he knows it, because I went into a really nasty coughing fit that
night. He didn't say a word--not even about my lost card, which should have
sent him into a panic because it might have been stolen.
My friend and I discussed the whole situation in low voices so the kids
wouldn't hear, and we're almost certain that my husband took my ATM card.
It's the way he operates. Last weekend the kids didn't shut the door on the
truck all the way and now he has forbidden them from opening the truck doors.
They're suppose to climb in the driver's side. I didn't even realize he did
this until we were getting into the truck to go to church. Here I was holding
my lesson book and such, expecting my children to get in on the other side,
and then they tell me they have to go in on the driver's side. What a hassle!
Especially in cold weather when you're suffering with a chest cold. When
they drew on the wall when they were little, he usually hid all the crayons,
and once he even threw them away. He would say they couldn't have any until
they could use them correctly, but how could they learn to use them correctly
if they never had the chance to use them? Of course, then I was suppose to
watch them every moment and still get the housework done. If he can't
manage to clean a room and keep an eye on them for one day, how am I suppose
to watch them constantly and keep a whole house clean at the same time? It's
a good thing they're in school now.
Once my friend and I realized that he may be upto something, we went ahead
and took the money I had been putting away a little at a time and opened a
saving account in my name at a small finacial institution. The statements
will be sent to her house. I don't have much in it, but at least it's a
start.
Earlier this week, my parents visited us while my husband was at work. I
went ahead and told them some of what was going on. After all, I had to
explain the pile up of dirty clothes and dishes and the scratches on my arm.
They want me to try to find a job and told me to go ahead with the savings
account idea. They also told me that if I had to, I could move back in with
them with the kids. I don't want that, but if things get worse, I may take
my sister up on her offer, and move in with her family.
I wish I knew what I should be doing. On one hand, I don't want to force us
into a divorce, but on the other hand, I don't want him to ruin my life or
our children's. Maybe I'm being too paranoid, or maybe I'm being not paranoid
enough. I wish I knew which path to take.
*sigh!* I guess I better learn how to fix vacuum cleaners now....
January 3, 1999
Well, I finally prayed about my marriage again last night.
I get the definite feeling that I shouldn't leave my husband yet, but
that I should definitely start preparing myself to leave.
Then, when I woke up this morning, I couldn't find the bag with the
fruit nectars I bought yesterday. I checked the normal places and
couldn't find them. I gently shook my husband's shoulder and asked him
if he knew where they were. I swear I saw his whole body tense up,
before he muttered "no".
Later, I was looking for our genealogy charts for our son, and my
husband must have assumed I was looking for those nectars because he
said, "You might have left them near your sewing machine." Strange
place for them to be, considering I never went over there yesterday
until I started taking care of the laundry. What's more, when I did
find them they were inside a box. Yes, the top was opened, but my
husband had the glass cups for our old dining area lighting fixture on
all the surfaces around it. There is no way the bag could have "just"
fallen in there--it had to be placed there deliberately.
Of all the things to hide from me--something nutritious? It doesn't
make sense, but then most of the stuff he has been doing lately hasn't
made any sense. I called my dad this morning and told him about the
nectars and my ATM card mysteriously disappearing. I told him I was
going to talk to my "spiritual advisor" when I got to church today, and
he told me, "Yes, I think you better."
Honestly, I'm worried that when it becomes obvious that I'm not going
to let myself be emotionally battered and destroyed, that my husband
will take his own life. He has always been rather reckless with his
physical well-being, and he barely takes care of himself. Frankly,
I've decided that two main reasons why married men tend to live longer
than single men is because they have less of a chance of getting food
poisoning and their wives will make them see the doctor.
****Addendum****
I talked to my "spiritual advisor". He suggested I see if my husband
would willing to talk and work things out. He didn't want to counsel
a seperation, but one person can't keep a marriage together and if
my husband wasn't willing to work on our marriage, then I needed to do
what was best for me and the kids.
I left the kids at a friend's house for the night. When I got home I
told my husband I asked the church for help. "For what?" he asked in
a very defensive tone. I said, "For help to get this family back on
track." Then I said that our "spiritual advisor" was willing to talk
to us, either together or seperately, and he gave me the same answer
in the same tone of voice. I think he wanted me to make an accusation
so he could yell at me and make me feel terrible. I went on to say
how he didn't seem happy with anything I did. I even brought up the
fact that he started acting weird when I started to get the house
clean. He just shook his head and glared at the tv set.
To me that said that he isn't willing to talk about things. We *did*
talk to this person last year, before we went into marriage counseling.
It's not like I'm being underhanded--my husband knows what I was talking
about--he just wanted a chance to intimidate me.
But to be sure, perhaps I should bring up the subject again when I get
the house under control again. Right now, there is sort of a truce between
us--we're keeping our conversations on minor stuff. I don't think he
realizes that I'm making plans to leave and I'm not sure I should give him
too much warning, because I'm afraid of what he will do. But I am going to
get a job and I am going to get myself some transportation. If he can handle
me having that much independence, then I'll hold out until summer before
insisting on a seperation. If not, then I'm getting the kids and I out of
here ASAP.
And if after a few months of seperation, he still hasn't sought professional
help for his self-destructive tendencies, then I'm filing for a divorce.
I'm doing my best to make sure my children don't have to grow up with a crazy
mother--it would be hypocritical, not to mention counterproductive, to make
them grow up with an unstable father.
January 4, 1999
There will probably be an addendum or two to this entry later today.
Any doubts I had that I may of been too subtle yesterday have been totally
erased. My husband wouldn't talk to me during the five hours or so that I
was awake last night, but as soon as I was about to fall asleep, he comes
down the hall, kicking a few things around, and stomps through the bedroom
to use the bathroom. I froze under the comforter and feigned sleep. He
stomped out just as noisily back into the livingroom.
Then just when I thought he was done for the night, he stomps back in and
slams something down. "Here's the checkbook and bills," he says angerly.
"You figure out how to pay them all."
I used to think that the reason he used to wait until I was falling to sleep
was because it was some sort of natural cycle for him. Now, I believe he
chooses that time because he is so insecure, that he wants to give himself
an edge over me.
The whole incident set off all sorts of alarms in my psyche. I was
absolutely terrified that he was going to do something else. Intellectually,
I knew that I had no real indications that he was going to do something, but
my body wasn't going to hear a word of it. My adrenaline level was so high
that it felt as if parts of my body were detacted from me and I was shivering
in fear. Try as I might, I just couldn't get myself to relax and go to sleep
until I remembered I had a sharp pair of scissors in the bedroom. I put them
under my pillow and held them. I still didn't feel safe, but it did help
some as I listened to the sounds of the TV and him. I was so glad that my
children were somewhere else.
This morning he was still resentful. He slammed a lot of doors and left me
a note that I only had $160 to pay our bills with. First off, I know from
past experience that when he gets like this, he will almost always make mistakes
in balancing the checkbook. Secondly, all the bills that have to be paid
this week total less than $160, and if he had bothered to open them and look
at them, he would have known that. The largest bill we can actually wait
two more weeks, by which time we will have deposited two more paychecks.
As for the credit card bill--well, we're so good at paying it that letting it
go a month isn't going to hurt anything.
I'm going to rebalance the checkbook today, and if possible, get an updated
bank statement. It is possible that we may be that low after the holidays,
but I doubt it. Looking back through the checkbook shows that the money I
spent during the last two weeks is less than half of the house payment--so
even if I hadn't got groceries, it wouldn't had been enough to cover that
bill.
January 5, 1999
Sorry to leave everyone hanging.
I'm ok. My husband called me from work yesterday morning, meek as a lamb,
and I told him how we could handle the bills. I may have a chance to get
my car fixed. There's this one guy who wants a website created for his
business and wants to trade auto repair labor for it. I still haven't heard
back from him though. I spent yesterday putting up a mock commercial site
to give him an idea of what I was capable of creating for him. My husband
was suppose to work late, but he didn't--so I didn't try to fix the water
heater then, though I did ask him some questions about--I'm sure he thought
that was my way of nagging him to fix it.
I went ahead and washed some dishes in two large aluminum recepticles I have.
It really hurt my back to carry those things filled with water. I woke
really early this morning because my pain medication had worn off. I went
back to sleep after I got my kids ready and off to school. I fixed myself
a very nutritious lunch, during which my dad called to check on me. He told
me not to drag things out beyond a year, because if my husband doesn't
straighten out his act soon, he's not going to. My dad also wants me to make
sure I take the truck with me when I go. You see, it was originally my dad's
and he only sold it to us because I'm his daughter. He also gave me pointers
on how I could clean out the checking account before I go. I appreciate his
concern, but I'm hoping that I don't have to be that petty to leave, but then
I might have to. I suspect I will be getting frequent calls from my family
for awhile. I called my sister yesterday and asked her to keep her eyes open
for a job for me in her area.
Oh, one more thing! I mentioned my husband's habit of waiting until I was
falling asleep to talk to me to my dad. He says that my mother does the
same thing. I told Dad that my husband does a lot of the stuff my mother
does.
Finally, I got to that water heater and it took me a few hours, but I *did*
get that leak to stop. I was so excited that I had to tell someone.
Unfortunately, the only person I could get a hold of was my husband--so I
called him and told him excitedly what I did to finally fix that leak.
I told A.B. once that women are stupid about the men they love. I do include
myself in that category.
Anyway, he was shocked and a bit glad, but then he told me that we should
wait before finishing the connections--in case the leak comes back after a few
hours. The man's such a pessimist.
Big deal....I'm going to have hot water tomorrow to do dishes with! The
joint is still dry and I'm positive it's going to stay that way. Tomorrow
morning I'll finish connecting the sucker up. I already have the rest of the
fittings preped and waiting.
I'm happy. Scratched and sore, but happy.
January 7, 1999
Finally got all the water connections done on the water heater. Had
troubles getting the pilot light lit. Finally got my husband to do it.
He's still acting resentful and trying to intimate that I spend to
much on groceries, which is funny considering how little I do spend.
I had a weird dream a few days back. Didn't bother to analyze it until
today. I found a really good
dream workbook that uses something similar to what I usually do.
The Final Results:
The Angry Guy
This guy has created a female robot. He is angry with the rest of
the world. My friend and I try to talk with him, but he won't listen.
He tries to program the robot to kill us, but we take all his files
from him and make the robot self-destruct. He glares at us as we
try to talk to him and storms off.
The Angry Guy (interpreted)
My husband has created/is try to created a female slave. He is
angry with the rest of the world. My friend and I try to talk with
him, but he won't listen. He tries to instruct the slave me to destroy
the real me and the influnce of my friends, but we take all his
resources from him and destroy the psuedo being he has been
trying to make me into. He is mad at everyone who is trying to get
him to talk to about his problems which he refuses to admit exist.
Feeling: apprehensive
Drama:
Setting:
Well, looking at it now, I would have to say my marriage.
Characters:
Angry guy, female robot (me?), me and my friend
Plot:
The angry person wants to control the world through the robot, and when he can't, he decides to destroy it. When my
friend and I stop his attempt at destruction, he gets mad and goes away to sulk.
Resolution:
He goes away and my friend and I go on with our lives.
Action:
I'm trying to help the angry man.
Context: My husband has refused to work on the problems in our marriage. He has been hiding things in an
attempt to control me. He wants me to keep everything kept up without bothering him, or spending money. He
has been stomping around and acting very resentful. One friend (female) had been helping me out. Another
friend (male) has been trying to lift my spirits.
Key Elements and Associations:
robot
angry guy
Personal Cultural Archetypal
lifeless being a machine that does human type stuff
A slave
files
Personal Cultural Archetypal
My husband
my friend (who is male in the dream)
Personal Cultural Archetypal
filled with data (computer file) information
organization
world
Personal Cultural Archetypal
Not sure - maybe one of my cyberfriends
someone who helps you when you're in trouble
someone you trust
program
Personal Cultural Archetypal
life Society existence
They give some hints to exploring the dream more, but I really don't
think that's necessary right now.
Personal Cultural Archetypal
instructions same organized set of events
January 11, 1999
I am cautiously happy.
I told the person I talked with last week at church that my husband wasn't willing to
work out our problems. He wasn't surprised at all, he just nodded and told
me if I needed any help I just had to ask.
Later I was talking to two ladies before a meeting, and one of them asked me
about the hot water heater. I had forgotten that I had told her about it
going out. I hadn't plan to tell anyone except my "advisor" about my plans
to leave for another town after the kids finish this semester of school, but
suddenly I found myself explaining that I took care of water heater myself.
I tried to joke about how much I had learned about plumbing from the experience.
Then when they gave me those soft looks of concern, I told them that my
husband was depressed and refusing to get help for his problems and that I
was planning to leave. I told them that if he got help before then, that I
may reconsider, but I wasn't going to try to second guess him anymore. They
nodded and said that I had to do what was best for me and the children. One
apologized sweetly for not realizing how bad things were. *chuckle* I didn't
realize that she even knew things were bad, but I guess that fact I went to
church without my husband was sort of an obvious sign in a very family oriented
church. I then explained that I would give him this summer to get his act
together or I would take more permanent measures. They just nodded.
Then I told them how scared I was and how sometimes I wonder what I should
have done before now. The one who apologized said, "Your children are just a
joy to be around. No matter what, you have done a very good job with raising
them."
I needed to hear those words. They tell me that despite everything, I have
been successful in being a caring and loving mother. I felt a great weight
lifting from me. I had actually told someone from church about my decision
and instead of freaking out on me and giving me a lecture on the sanctity of
marriage, I got understanding and compassion. My soul is now at peace with
my decision.
But I need to be careful of my actions. My husband is getting nervous. There
was fear in his eyes when I asked to have the truck for today. Instead, he
suggested I make my doctor's appointment late enough for him to get home first.
I also cannot find the flyer for a business that I'm planning to do a website
for in exchange for fixing my car. Though I hate to jump to conclusions, I
fear my husband may have hidden it from me to keep me from gaining more
independence. I'm not going to fret about it. Instead I will ask a friend
to pick up another one for me and keep it hidden.
My son complained again this morning how come Dad doesn't take care of his
own things when people are suppose to be responsible for their own stuff. I
went ahead and told him that Dad needed some help, but that he didn't want to
get help. I explained that because Dad wasn't acting normal that it wouldn't
be a good idea to say anything about it to him. My son made a face and nodded.
His dad had sent him to his room several times this weekend for minor things
and leaving him in there until he begged to come out. I took a deep breath
and told him that after school was out for the summer, he, his sister, and I
were going to move away for awhile to live with his aunt. I explained that
it may help Dad to get the help he needs, and that when he does that, we will
come back home. My son's body relaxed and he told me that it sounded like
a very good idea. Then I told him that there was a chance that his dad still
might not get help. I faltered as I try to word what I would do then, but my
son nodded and said, "Then you will have to get divorced." I told him "Yes".
He took it so well. In fact, I think he was relieved to know that I was
trying to make things better for us. He asked me some question on what we
would take with us and how we were going to keep Dad from knowing, so he
couldn't stop us from leaving. I went ahead a gave him the answers, but told
him that I was going to take care of everthing and that he didn't need to
worry, because I would do that too ;-)
I also told him that we may leave earlier if I got a job sooner. He took it
very philosophically. And we decided not to tell his sister yet, because she
tends to tell the world everything. He told me that he was going to find out
today when the last day of school was from me. I told him that he might just
want to tell his teacher that we're planning a trip then to see his aunt.
Anyway, I have a job to apply for and another to do an example for, as well
as a lot of cleaning to do.
January 12, 1999
The children and I are leaving in 10 days
I was able to get the last appointment at the doctor's office by
finally telling the nurse that we had an agrument and that my husband was
afraid to let me have the truck while he was at work. She made an
appointment immediately. You see, a few years back, I came in with a
horrendous case of bronchitis. I had been battling it on my own for
over two months. She looked me straight in the eye and told me to tell
my husband that he better take care of the house and kids and let me
get at least a week of complete bedrest, or she was going to put me in
the hospital herself.
Well, I made it in and was shock to find that I hadn't had a doctor's
appointment for over TWO YEARS. I've brought the kids in a few times,
but not myself, even though I have been very sick.
Anyway, the doctor's appointment was $55, and I still had the
remenants of that cold that knocked me flat before Christmas. So, he
prescribed something for my chest infection. What was I suppose to do?
Tell him, "No thanks, Doc--I'll just keep the infection." My medicine
was a little over $80. I also sent off a payment for the house and
the truck--as my husband insisted.
When I got home, I told him how much it was, and he rolled his eyes
towards the ceiling and glared at the TV. I suppose it's my fault I
needed medicine. Of course, he won't take any--says they don't work
for him. Yet, I've seen him use stuff when he's gotten really sick.
Last night, my son began to shows signs of being sick and this morning
it's obvious that he has a chest cold too. My husband decided he was
sick too, and stayed home. When I asked about taking them to the
doctor, he just sneered at me and said we couldn't go, because *I*
spent too much money. Yet, he insisted I pay the house payment now,
because he wanted it there *before* the 16th and according to him, they
won't get it until late this week at the earliest. He gets paid every
Friday--we will have another paycheck in by then.
I guess I'm suppose to feel guilty now because *I* have medicine and my
child doesn't. Too bad the pills are too big for my son to even think
of swallowing... Meanwhile, I've been fixing bowl after bowl of soup
for my husband, making sure my son got fluids and Tylenol, fixed meals, cleaned
some dishes and did some laundry. I laid down for 20 minutes because I
was dizzy. I guess if someone had to take medicine it might as well be
me--it's not like I can just sleep this stuff off.
Anyway, I called my sister up this morning, because I didn't know what
to do. Her answer: She's coming here the 22nd and moving the kids and
I back to live with her family.
A few moments ago, my husband came in to inform me that with the state
our house is in now, we could lose our children. Strange, he didn't
seem to care when the water heater wasn't working. And I'm willing to
bet that he isn't going to lift one finger to help me clean this place
up.
January 14, 1999
Well, my husband and son stayed home sick yesterday too. It was probably one
of the longest days in my life. Here I was wanting to gather up things to
leave, but instead I was fixing more soup, while my husband watched John
Wayne movies. It really bothers me that in most of those movies he spanks
the woman to put her in her place.
I ended up taking my daughter to school that morning, and while we were in the
truck, she started asking me why Daddy was being so mean to me. (Tonight, she
handed me a dime and said, "Here Mom--here's some money so you can buy stuff
when Dad is being mean.") Then she went on to say that someone should really
make Dad see how mean he is so he would stop. I asked her if she wanted to
visit her aunt for awhile. She asked, "With Dad?" I shook my head and said
"no" and that maybe Dad needed us to be away for awhile so he could get help
for himself. She nodded and said, "When we leave..." "Visit," I
corrected. She gave me an annoyed look and said again, "When we leave, I
don't want Dad to come." "He won't," I said. "Good, because he's mean to me."
"How so?" I asked. "He wants me to sound out words," she said, her voice on
the verge of tears, "and I can't sound out words! I have to know them first."
At the time, I had assumed she had been talking about an incident a few months
back, but later my husband told me in a defensive voice that he had helped
her with her spelling while I was at the doctor's on Monday. "And she did
real well sounding out those word, didn't you, sweetheart." My daughter just
nodded her head and went on with her homework.
For some reason, I doubt the study session went as well as he presented it.
I've explained to my daughter why we have to be careful not to say anything
to Dad. She has working very hard not to. I pray that my smart little girl
can keep this to herself.
Anyway, after making sure he would keep an eye on our son, I made an excuse
to see a friend. At her place, I drunk lots of juice and talked some. I was
a lot calmer when I got home, which must had been very apparent, because my
husband began to act human again.
Last night, though, the kids asked me why we couldn't leave this Friday,
instead of next Friday. I told them that my sister couldn't come until then.
Today, my son went to school and my husband went to work. I gathered up all
the legal papers and put them in a suitcase my husband probably doesn't
remember that we have. I put some of my clothes in it too. Then I called a
friend to have her take it to her place. Before she came, my husband called
and asked me to make a doctor's appointment for him and possibly our son.
I had noticed that he was actually coughing this morning and thought it
strange that after all that rest, he was beginning to sound worse. Frankly,
I think he wasn't really sick those two days, but after spending them with
two truly sick people, he finally came down with the same thing.
When my friend came, I had a call from school telling me that my son was
running a fever. My friend took me there and we picked him up. We couldn't
get an appointment, so we had to use the walk in clinic. My husband is now
on the same types of medications I'm on, but he was able to get the doctor to
give him samples of the expensive one, so we wouldn't have to buy it.
Myself, well I started coughing up those chest slugs today with a vengence.
It was funny at the clinic. I sounded so awful, but it was my husband and son
who got the appointment. Of course, the staff knew I had been there a few
days earlier.
In addition to the suitcase, I gave my friend a diamond ring that someone had
given us in exchange for a stand up freezer. She had it appraised for me.
According to the jeweler, fair market value was around $250, but if I was to
get that, I would have to sell it directly to a buyer. So, we're going to
wait until I'm with my sister before I look for a buyer.
There have been moments today, when I seriously thought that maybe I was
jumping the gun. After all, my husband has been treating me nicer today. Not
lovey dovey, or anything that affectionate, but he's not treating me like an
enemy. But then, my children both found time to remind me about our plan,
and I remembered all the people I knew who did what I almost did--I never
could understand why they didn't realize that their spouse's good nature was
only a temperary thing. Then I had to admit to myself that it was true for
me too. Even though I wasn't being berated, he was still harping about our
money. I'm sure that once he's feeling better and I'm getting the house
clean (which will hopefully be by this Sunday), he'll get weird on me again.
January 16, 1999
I'm very sick still and very weak. I think I will just worry about getting
the laundry taken care of and packed away.
Yesterday morning, my husband was still being considerate, but by lunch he
was a cretin again. He made me go pick up his paycheck from work, even though
I was the one coughing up stuff. Then he made me deposit his check. He
wouldn't even let me use his ATM card to do it. When I asked, he got this
panicked look in his eyes and told me to fill out a deposit slip and go through
the drive through at the bank. I made him fill out the deposit slip. Then
I deposited it and took care of something else. I probably shouldn't had,
because I felt a lot sicker when I got back home.
Last night, my brother-in-law's wife called. Apparently, he's decided to
divorce her. No warning--just "I'm moving to such-and-such. Where do you
want me to drop you off?" We began to compare our husbands' behavior and
decided that we married into the wrong family. Both are obsessed by money,
even though they swear that it's not important to them. Both believe that
dental crowns are a waste. Both will wear the same outfit day after day.
Though my brother-in-law changes his underwear more. Both make cruel remarks
and act surprise when we get upset by them. Both made promises to us earlier
on in the marriage, which they now do everything they can not to keep. Both
believe that if you're not bringing in money, you're not contributing, but
then when you do, they start acting nervous and tell you not to worry about it.
Both refuse to go to church and both develop crushes on other women, though
they have yet to follow up on any of them. Both say they're tired when we
want to get romantic and yet expect us to be willing whenever they want to be.
Both have their names on our credit cards, yet neither have put our names on
theirs. Both make fun of their wives, whenever we try to look nice. Both
can't stand to be wrong about some sort of fact, though neither one were that
great in their science classes. Both will deny anything that might make them
look bad, and what's more--they're absolutely lousy liars. Both have slowly
tried to make sure that their wives are cut off from the rest of the world
with no way to support themselves.
Today, I am even sicker. I had to get some stuff from the drug store. I was
really too sick to go, but I learned a long time ago that even if I'm coughing
up a lung, my husband will insist that he is the sicker one. I don't even
bother to argue about it anymore. I hadn't even driven out of the neighborhood,
when I coughed up some more gunk. I turned around, went back home, and changed
shirts. Then the truck wouldn't start. I asked my husband for possible
reasons, but he just got annoyed at me. So I called up a friend and had her
take me.
Just a few moments ago, my husband went outside and checked the truck for
himself. He believes something is wrong with the battery. He didn't seem
interested in getting it fixed until he realized that I will probably be too
sick to go to church tomorrow. But I may just be getting more paranoid.
January 21, 1999
Long time--no update.
I'm over most of my chest infection, I hope. I haven't had much of a chance
to do what I wanted to this week, because my husband's been home all week.
At least the truck is working again. It needed a new battery. Now, I just
need to figure out whether we're going to have to take it from my husband's
work, or if we'll just need to make an excuse to use it. My husband will not
tell me if he's going into work tomorrow, and was a bit annoyed when I asked.
I've been doing laundry. I was able to pack one suitcase and get it out
while he was sleeping, but I will probably be doing the others tonight after
everybody's asleep. I'm also packing a box of my writing stuff and we made
a plan for getting my computer over to my friend's for a new parallel port.
As for getting the kids out of school, everything was ready when I got there.
Everyone in my daugther's class gave her a hugs, and I saw a few running to
the back of the line to give her more hugs. I'm positive that there were a
few of those who gave her four hugs. My son's class gave him a few hugs too.
Everybody pretty much had a good idea what was going on. They just asked us
to come back and visit someday.
Tomorrow's the big day. I hope it all works out...
January 27, 1999
I wanted to do an entry before this, but this file is too big to edit directly
in the Tripod editor.
Well, I'm with my sister and her husband now. Last Friday, I got up at 2:30 am
and started to finish packing the clothes. Then I snuck them passed my sleeping
husband and out into the backyard. Just as I finish, a rain/sleet storm hit us.
Oh, well....things didn't get too wet. My daughter woke up while I was doing
this and helped me some. About 4 am we laid down, in case my husband did decide
to go back to work, but he didn't.
With the wind still blowing at 6:30 am, I told my husband that it was too
nasty outside for the kids to wait at the bus stop and that I was going to
take them to school. The kids packed some of their favorite toys into their
backpacks and I took them over to a friend's house. Then I went back home.
I actually followed the mother of one of their friends back into the
subdivision. Then my husband asked me to cook him some breakfast sausage,
which I did. I then fixed myself some breakfast.
He asked me to go to the pharmacy and get a prescription the doctor gave him
a week before--in case the over-the-counter decongestant didn't work. Worked
for me, I also picked up the other two months of my Pamelar prescription
while I was there. Then I went to Kmart and got some stuff for me and the kids.
I had told him that I was taking my computer over to another friend to get
a new parallel port put in (which I still need) at 10 am. He was sleeping when I
came back, so I manage to get out some bedding and a few other things into the
truck, as well as my printer and scanner. I dropped some of it off at the
friend's place where the kids were and sat around and talked a little until
my sister came. Then I went to my husband's work and picked up his paycheck
for him and went back home.
Someone from the kids' school called while I was gone and confused my husband
with talk of the kids going to another school. I don't know who this ditz
was, but I pretended to call the school and tols my husband that they had
confused our children with someone else. Then I finished eating my lunch
while he signed his paycheck. He wanted me to call the doctor's for a note
saying that he had to stay home because of illness. Why he couldn't had
gotten it while he was there is a mystery to me--as is why *I* had to be the
one to call and ask--he was perfectly able to call them himself.
Anyway, I waited for the doctor's office to call us back--getting antsy the
whole time. I manage to take out three bags of trash and do one load of
dishes, before I pointed out that if we wanted the paycheck deposited that
day, that I should take care of it then. He agreed and let me make out the
deposit slip. I left the checkbook on the table with my ring inside and left.
I only took $200 for the kids and I. I filled up the truck and went back to
where everyone else was. We had to wait until after 5pm to leave, because
my sister's husband was flying in to help us drive. So we took care of a few
things and then ate dinner before leaving.
It was after midnight when we got to my sister's place. The next morning I
called my parents and a friend to let them know we were ok. I found out that
my husband hadn't called anybody Friday night. When my father told me I left
him, he was pissed off and started to demand that I give him *his* truck back.
Then he ranted about us losing our house, which is stupid because we have
always been on time with our payments and without me and the kids he should
have no problem paying the mortgage. Yes, I was the one who wanted the house,
but I didn't want to be a prisoner in it, with parts of it torn up.
He didn't even ask if the kids were alright. Dad didn't tell him where we
were, so he probably thinks we are with them.
My husband's brother caught a clue last week and apologized to his wife and
got their problems sorted out. Surprisingly, he's on my side on this and
asked if it was all right if he and his wife stayed in contact with me and the
kids. I said it was fine with me--I'm not a spiteful person, no matter what
my husband may think right now. OF course, I don't expect my mother in-law
to be as understanding towards me.
I went to 2 interviews Monday and was offered both jobs. Not bad for someone
who's been a full-time mom for 8 years. I start my job tomorrow. The pay isn't
outstanding, but it's enough to get started and there are opportunities for
in company advancement.
Now, I just need to get things organized here and get use to working nights.
My sister's husband gets home not too long after I leave, so the kids will
be okay. Not that I need to worry. My sister has a psycho dog who loves
kids and hates adults. He seems to have decided that I can live finally, but
I'm still careful with him.
