December 4, 1998
I should have done a journal entry before this, but I've been a bit busy.
Updates:
1) My friend was not upset with me telling him to "cool it" with the remarks about
religion. His ISP had flaked out on him. We had a good talk later and he admitted
that I was actually catching some flack from another annoyance in his life
and apologized. I apologized for jumping down his throat for it. We forgave
each other and went on to discuss the other problems in our lives. Cool.
2) The other friend I griped about has agreed to back off the counselling
advice and is happy that I'm actually venting more, instead of bottling like
I normally do. Cool also.
3) A.B. Normal is still getting hell from her parents, but she's sticking to
her guns. She hasn't had a nightmare since she moved out and she been a lot
healthier. She's positive that moving back in with her parents would be
committing suicide and she doesn't want that. Her parents are calling her a
failure to her face (though how you can be a failure without attempting to do
something first is beyond me) and saying "In six months, when you move back..."
Last Tuesday she went to a church potluck with me and had a wonderful time.
She said it was the first church she has ever been to where she wasn't treated
like a freak. It broke my heart to hear that. When she told her parents
how much fun she had, they told her that it was okay for her to go to church
functions with me, as long as she didn't join my religion. *chuckle* Little
do they realize that I told her months ago that if her only reason was to
tick off her parents, I wouldn't let her join my religion either. She has
a good chance at getting a second job in the field she has trained for. I
hope she gets it.
Now me....
This week, my fibromyalgia has been horrible. I'm halfway back to having
things the way they were before I got sick - so they're still not really bad,
but I'm wondering if my difficulty to reclaiming control has anything to do
with the fact that when I was making consistant progress on that front, my
husband was getting really weird on me. I kept the living room clean and he
shows signs of depression and stops working on remodelling the bathroom and
his other projects. I get the laundry caught up and he starts acting
childish. I get sick and things become cluttered again and he's acting fine
now. I want to scream and bang my head against a wall. Well, I guess I
should approach this like a lab technician and see if the same thing happens
when I get things under control again . . . but if he commits suicide when I
get the kitchen clean, I'm going to ask the doctor for some really strong
tranquilizers - I think I can justify going back on Xanax then. I've already
backed up most of my important files on my computer (though, I should update
it) as the friend in Update #2 suggested. A little over a year ago when he
got mad at me, he opened up the computer and unplugged every cable in it.
My friend was the one who helped me plug everything back and for a long while
after that, she kept a backup of my writings at her place.
Good news - I'm not scratching as much, but there's this one small area under my
shoulder blade that's been driving me crazy. It feels like I'm being jabbed
with a needle and I can't reach the area to scratch it. I've asked my husband
a couple times to look at it and he swears there is nothing there. His hands
are very callused, so it's very possible he can't feel the dry skin or
whatever is actually there - we've had this problem with him before - my hands
are much more sensitive. It's either that or someone in A.B.'s family is
practising voodoo, but since I don't believe in that, I'm going with the first
possibility.
December 10, 1998
Errrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.................
Living room is back under control. Laundry will be caught up again by lunch
time. A friend helped me clean yesterday and tomorrow we are going to work
on cleaning her house. The living room really wasn't that bad, I was just so
depressed I couldn't get myself to start on it. I feel rather frustrated
about that, but on the brighter side--if it's only a mind game with myself,
then there's definite hope I can beat this problem.
Well, my husband actually got stuff done this weekend. So much, in fact, that
for a moment I actually considered letting things go once a month to get him
to finish his projects, despite the fact that he talked down to me the whole
time and acted like I was some stupid child. But then we found out our ISP
changed rates and my husband, after he chewed me out for not making this
and that call, told me to cancel it. I felt like a five year old, but I
did tried to stand my ground and did state that I would find another ISP to
go with. He thinks that if he can make me uncomfortable enough that I'll
stay off the 'net and he won't have to pay that bill to pay. Hell, he spends
more on video tapes. But he has done this to
me before and it was almost three years before I got back online, and if it
wasn't for a very good friend giving me free access for a few months so I
could prove we saved more money when we could email versus calling long
distance, I would have never got back online.
Thankfully, another good friend has helped me get another service. Since my
husband is acting so erratic now, we're having the bill sent to her place. She
also put the first two months on her credit card, so I won't catch grief for
it right away. I'm am also going to set aside a small amount of money every
week to place in a savings account in my name only. It won't be too hard--despite
my husband's bargain hunting obsession, I actually spend less on groceries than
he does and the amount will hardly be noticed. I guess I'd better have the
statements sent my friend's house too.
Funny thing, after he "hinted" that I really needed to get the house clean,
he took my vacuum cleaner apart. Luckily I still had a friend's shopvac to
use, but I wish someone would explain the logic behind this action.
Last night, he was verbally beligerant, but this time when he started
acting like the authority on everything, I made him state his
informational sources--just to keep things equal. He was actually correct
on some of it, but I see no reason why I should take this crap from a man who
waited for his wife to get a ticket for driving his vehicle with expired tags
before he got it taken care of. They were only 3 months past the date and I
had mentioned that they needed renewed months backs. I'm still waiting for
my own car to be fixed.
On a good note: he actually picked up some of the mess he made last night
before he went to work this morning and Mom seems to have forgotten the
"Grandma is a fruitcake" incident.
December 16, 1998
Got this update from A.B. Normal last week. Should have put it up sooner,
but I was busy and my computer got upgraded - YEAH! I am no longer creeping
on the 'net.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Hi Lady Fribble,
Things are going well I might have a part time job by Monday
or later next week. My friend at the pet store is trying to find a place for
me. I hope that something works out soon. I've been keeping up with my
apartment kind of good, I need to wash dishes and clean my closet and
straighten up a few other things. My dad still calls me his little girl and
mom is helping with transportation right now and they have quit calling me a
failure. I have had no nightmares yet or anything close to a bad dream. I have
quit using one of my friend's as transportation because he doesn't want to mess
with my dog. He says I should not have the dog with me at the apartment but
I'm a single female living alone I need some protection so the dog stays. He
doesn't like that at all and right now I don't care. He also calls me after
11:30 pm just to see if I made it home safely most nights this past week I've
been getin around 9 or 10 pm. I told him to quit calling me and his younger
brothers have also told him to back off. Also he's trying to get me on food
stamps but I'm ok finanialy for the next 3 yrs. I'm trying to find a computer
so I won't need to come over to my parent's house. I will have my independance
whether they like it or not.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Actually, a few days after she wrote this, her mom told her that she was born a
failure and that she's going to die a failure. I lent her my copy of Toxic
Parents - it has definitely given her somethings to think about.
As for me . . . where to start?
I was sent to this site today -
https://members.tripod.com/~mormmom/womenofstrength.htm - it has a checklist for
any woman who's thinking of getting serious with a certain man, no matter what
their religion.
I would like to add two things to her premarriage checklist:
Does he believe in paying people back "tenfold" to make sure that they never mess
with him again?
Is he very defensive whenever you ask if he has done something?
When we were engaged, I playfully put two ice cubes down my husband's back. He
repaid me by putting a whole tray down mine--making the statement: "Anyone who
messes with me gets paid back tenfold." It bothered me at the time, but I told
myself that he did have a rough childhood and was raised in a different religion,
and once he realized he had someone who loved him, he would be less denfensive.
I had pushed the incident to the back of my mind, but I never forgot that he
believed in payback.
Now he has never hit me, but I am very careful not to do anything that might be
considered a physical attack. I hardly ever joke around with him for fear I may
cross some line I didn't even realize was there.
What's even scarier is the fact that my brother exhibits almost all of the behavours in
her abuser list.
My birthday was a few days back. My husband waited to buy my gift on that day.
He got me a new video card after he found out that a friend of mine was giving me
a new motherboard. Things didn't go the way he had planned that day. When he
got home, he just put the box on the table and said nothing. I finally asked
in a conversational manner what was in the box. "Your birthday and Christmas
present." The only person who has ever done this to me before is my brother.
My daughter ended up bringing it to me while he laid on the couch ignoring us.
Luckily A.B. came over to decorate our tree with us and we loosened up and had
a good time after all. She went to church with me last Sunday to see if she
would feel as good there as she did at the other church functions she has attended
so far. I'm not sure of its total impact, but she now understands why I use to
bug my parents to let me go to church. Not that I haven't met some nasty people -
you find those almost anywhere you go - but even when I did, there was always more
people who were good to me.
December 20, 1998
I've been sicker than a dog the past few days and the house is a total mess.
There are boxes for Christmas ornaments everywhere and trash from meals that I
was too sick to fix. And now there is remodelling stuff for our main bathroom
out and about. I suppose I should be grateful that my husband has gotten back to
work on that.
A.B. slept in late this morning so she didn't go with me to church today, but
she called me this morning and asked if she could go with me next week. That's
fine with me--I didn't expect her to enjoy herself so much, but I'm glad she
did. We had a lesson in church today about leading our children to good
behavior versus driving them to it. It's rather a sore topic at home. My
husband thinks I should "lay down the law" more and I think he should "live
the law" more. A few weeks ago, my husband put on a video with truly awful
language. When we were first married, he informed me that we would not have
any video in the house that was above a PG-13 rating. About four years
ago he started buying these movies himself. I raised an eyebrow at the time,
but he ignored me . . . maybe I should have been a nag and reminded him of his
rule, but I didn't. I told myself that he was only watching them late at night.
That's not true anymore. Anyway, when he put that movie on, totally unconcerned
about the fact it was Sunday afternoon and the kids were running around. I
coughed and mentioned that we didn't want our children to speak that way. He
gave me this blank look and then turned to the kids and told them in a very
loud voice that if he ever heard them talking like that, that he would beat
their bottoms.
My heart sank into my stomach. It has always bothered me that he would buy
treats for himself and eat them in front of the kids without sharing. We
never did that in my family. If my parents got something special, they would
either share it with everybody or keep them out of sight until later. We were
always told that it was bad manners to eat something in front of someone else
without offerring some. But my husband lives a double standard, though he will
deny it vehemently. And whenever I try to call him on this, I get a long string
of "Well, you do this...and you do that..." and how I am just this terrible awful
person. But I do my best to be good in front of my children--I know for a
fact that example teaches better than threats.
When the kids and I got back into our vehicle, I was still going over that
lesson and wondering what one parent could do when the other parent insists
on living a double standard. My children were telling me what they did in
their classes and showing me the candy they got. I didn't have much of a voice
left, so I kept my words to a minimum. (I had told them earlier that my voice
was going.) As I concentrated on driving, they picked out some candy and
offered it to me. Sweet, I know. Then my daughter said something that stabbed
my heart--"We're not going to give Dad any because he's mean to us." I asked
her why she thought that. "Because he always yells at us and you too!"
I didn't realized he yelled so much, but apparently the kids thought so,
because my son agreed wholeheartedly with his sister. Then they said something
that I still have trouble believing: that I only yell at their dad when he yells
at me first. "Because you get mad at him when he yells," they tell me.
I was always certain that we were equal on the yelling front, but then again
I also always thought that we barely yelled at all. Thinking back, I can only
think of two--maybe three times--when I got so disgusted that I actually
started a yelling match. I guess I need to pay attention to our volume level
more often.
But what was I suppose to do about this attitude about their dad? I cringed
inwardly and told my children that instead of not sharing the candy with their
dad, that we should try to teach Dad to be nicer. I know, I know--children
should not be the ones to raise their parents, but I want them to practice
patience and understanding towards others and I couldn't think of anything
else to tell them without giving an even more conflicting message.
I just want to bawl. I can barely breathe, my whole house is a mess, I have
company coming for the holidays, and my children don't see their father as
part of the family, even though he lives in the same house.
Oh well . . . the crying will clear out some of my congestion . . .
December 27, 1998
I can't win. I spent most of last week coughing up congestion from my lungs
and right now I have four big coldsores on my upper lip.
My husband was actually talking to me some last week, to my surprise. I had
found a bottle of St. John's Wort that he was using. He said he had only taken a few
then first day. I told him that he seemed a lot more happy lately. If
someone had told me I was sounding better when I was taking something, I would
be more determined to take. My mother on the other hand, will stop taking the
stuff immediately. I think my husband has my mother's attitude.
Of course, my husband was a wonderful host when our friends came. He fixed
dinner Wednesday night and served us. I complimented him as sincerely as I
could, but in the back of my mind, I kept wondering if he really believed me
or just thought I was trying manipulate him. I took things slowly, because
I was certain I was fighting pnemonia and I didn't want to end up hospitalized.
I think he was disappointed in me, because here he was doing all this stuff
(which he rarely does) and I wasn't matching his effort. Forget the fact that
I had a hacking cough, and my friend made me go lay down a few times--I was
being lazy. I wonder if Katherine Hepburn could call up chest slugs (my term
for the stuff I cough up) and coldsores on cue when she was alive.
That night one of our water heaters broke down, and I was without hot water
in the kitchen and laundry room. Heck! I was without water--period--most of
Christmas Eve. As my husband worked to replace the old one, I kept the kids
busy at his request. That night, he handed me a piece he needed replaced,
totally forgetting that most of the home repair stores were closed Christmas
Eve.
That I understood. What I didn't understand was why he worked on our friends'
new car radio, instead of helping me get things ready for Christmas morning.
The radio could have easily waited until the next afternoon, or even the day
after. If I hadn't insisted he go ahead and turn on the water back on to the
rest house, I wouldn't had been able to cook Christmas dinner. Luckily, I
could wash some pots in our shower, which because of our second water heater
still had hot water. (Our main bathroom is still torn apart, so I didn't
have a tub to wash things in and the kitchen sink was full of dishes because
I had been so sick.)
That night I told my friend how all my support people had been experiencing
crisises of their own lately and how rough it was to keep my spirits up. She
asked me why I hadn't called her and I reminded her of her project. She said
I still should have called her, but when I tried to explain the years of
neglect I hadn't told her about before, she started making excuses for my
husband. I understand--my husband always goes out of his way to help them.
What she doesn't understand is that he always goes out of his way to help
other people, but he does practically nothing for his own wife and children.
He will literally spend every evening for months on the couch, claiming to
be sore and tired, but the moment someone else needs something he can showoff
doing--he's suddenly Atlas or Hercules. And doesn't matter that he spends the
whole weekend on the couch, with me bringing him meals and such--come Monday,
he's SUPEREMPLOYEE, and I'm a slug because I don't appreciate that fact that
he works all this overtime for us. This year he has worked a few weeks
without doing overtime, immediately taking to the couch the moment he gets
home. He then gets on my case because we don't have as much money and that
he's staying home for me. I'm sorry, but he ignores me and the kids,
which says to me that he's only spending more time at home to make it seem
that he's actually a good person.
And my friend wondered why I didn't tell her any of this stuff. She and her
husband are so indebted to my husband, that there's no way they could hear
me out fairly. And that's the way my husband wants it. He's suppose to be
Mr. Wonderful and I am just the lazy bitch he married. Finally, I told her
what the kids told me last Sunday. Then she began to realize the really was
something wrong, but I still can't talk to her. I'm not used to talking about
it and she really doesn't want to hear it. Like I said, I can't win.
Right now, my husband is playing sick again and I still don't have hot water
in the kitchen or laundry room. My vacuum cleaner is still apart too, and
there is still remodelling stuff for me to work around. I'm thinking of
finishing the final connection for the water heater myself tomorrow. I'm not going to let him
keep me from getting things done, nor am I going to let him get away with
making me make do. He's the type of person who, once he sees that you can
manage without a certain amenity, thinks you should continue to do so.
He thinks there something noble in "roughing it" - except when it comes to
his own work.
It seems to me that the worse agonies of life happen deep in the soul, where
no one else can see them. Even though I just did all this complaining, I
still wonder if I should have tried harder this weekend. Yet logic says I
was right to take it easy while I am still sick. Another part of me just
wants to give up and go away. I'm so tired of fighting this battle.
