Presuppositions:
- "There is something very wrong with you."
- "This 'something wrong' is well known to everybody around you."
- "This 'something wrong' is so wrong that we are all more than
willing to forgive you for (X)."
- "You should feel very, very grateful to all of us for being so
perceptive and understanding."
- "You should feel very, very ashamed of yourself."
Defenses:
- Say, "How very kind of them. I'm deeply touched." Then sit back and wait,
looking mildly interested.
- If the grateful approach will make you sound like you're agreeing, then
comment on the group's wonderful ability to stick together.
- If you can stomach it, lay on the compliments. People who do this type
of attack love flattery.
- The attacker is using the fact that everyone has something
they're ashamed of. Many times, they don't even know what that is with you,
so don't try to defend that 'something wrong'--it will only give them ammo
for the next confrontation.
- Example:
- "Dear, everyone understands why you are having so much difficulty finding
a place for yourself in this job. We really do understand."
Presuppositions:
- "There is something very wrong with you."
- "This 'something wrong' is well known to everybody around you."
- "This 'something wrong' is so wrong that we are all more than
willing to forgive you for not fitting in here at work."
- "You should feel very, very grateful to all of us for being so
perceptive and understanding."
- "You should feel very, very ashamed of yourself."
- Possible Response:
- "How kind of everyone. I appreciate their concern." (Computer Mode)
- "Well, it includes me, too, you know. I understand, too."
- "It's certainly gratifying to know that."
Makes it pretty hard for the attacker to bring up a complaint or an
accusation now, without sounding foolish.
- Another Example:
- "I want you to know, that every one of the doctors you have seen--and
that includes myself--understands why you are so convinced that you have a
physical disease instead of an emotional problem." (Blamer Mode)
- "Do they? I'm sure the support of one's peers is always reassuring in
situations of this kind, Doctor ." (Computer Mode)
- "I'm not sure you understood what I was trying to say to you."
- "That is of course possible." (Computer Mode) [Patient waits with an
expression of neutral interest.]
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