July 15, 1999
Well, I guess I have some summarizing to do. The last weekend in June
I got to visit my children. I only got two hours of sleep before I did
the six hour drive back to the city I used to live in. I stayed at a
friend's house and still managed to fix them some nice meals. *chuckle*
During the custody hearing, my husband trashed my cooking. The kids
like it, and so do most everyone else I cook for. Of course, he doesn't
have a sense of smell and insisted that I use the cheaper ingrediants
most of the time. Hardly makes him a good judge of cooking. He asked
me if I was taking the kids to church, saying that he was going to be
there. I told him, "Of course". He never showed up. As a matter of
fact, he was wearing the same t-shirt and jeans when I took them back
to him. He also had a pile of stuff to load up on the truck to take
back with me. I keep telling him he doesn't have the right to choose
what I get and what I don't, but he keeps insisting he's being fair.
I take it, because he usually packs things I really do want with the
crap he wants to get rid of. Besides, I can always give some of the
stuff back, though a lot I am just tossing because he likes to give me
the broken stuff.
The two things I am being insistant about is getting the washer and
dryer. I will have the kids with me most of the time and his work has
a service clean his uniforms, so I will need the washer and dryer more than
he does. I also already have washer/dryer connections in my apartment
and I doubt the apartment he's thinking of getting will--considering
the price he's quoting. (He's going to let the house go into
foreclosure, unless we can get someone to assume the loan. He says he
can't afford it. I would like to know what the hell he is spending
his money on.) Anyway, I told him that he could keep the freezer and
gave him my reasons for me having the washer and dryer. He got that
stupid pout on his face and told me because I had the truck and the
computer that I had more stuff of value than he did, and basically I
should be grateful for what he was giving me. Strange, he has the
TV, VCR, camcorder, dining room table, our nice large tent, a 100 slot
cd player, more videos than you can shake a stick at, all the good stain
glass equipment (he still hasn't given me the ceramic kiln like he's
promised), the refridgerator, and tons of tools, power and otherwise,
and so forth. When I pointed out that he had over $3000 worth of tools
(a figure he had given me about seven years ago) in the garage, he
started calling me a lying bitch. I told him he was delusional. The
kids were inside the house, but I found out later that the kitchen
window was open. *sigh!* Anyway, instead of backing down and trying to
keep him calm, I took a step towards him and stood my ground. Shocked
him, but I kept eye contact and tried to keep myself from yelling too
loud. (I don't think I succeeded very well.) I tried to keep my
arguments logical, while he called me a lying, lazy, fat bitch. And I
told him he was delusional several times. A friend was there the whole
time. She said that I did use more logic, but I sounded about as
uncontrolled as he did. Oh well. He did sound pretty stupid when he
said that he didn't pick up after himself because I didn't let him.
My friend also saw something that I didn't.
While I was keeping eye contact, I did see him look over my shoulder
and freeze for a short moment. She said that he had made a fist and
was pulling it back when their eyes locked. Then he immediately let
the arm relax. She's positive that he would have hit me if she hadn't
been there. She also seemed worried about me saying goodbye to the
kids while they were in the house with him. I told her that Sylvia was
already in charge, marched up to the door, rung the bell, and said
goodbye to my children. After all, as she has pointed out before, he
likes people to be scared of him.
My mother in-law was there for two weeks. The in-laws who I am talking
to said that my husband asked her to come down because he found
watching the kids to very emotionally draining. The kids still went to the
babysitter while she was there. When I asked what Grandma did while
they were at the babysitter's and Dad was at work, they shrugged their
shoulders and said probably watch TV. I think she probably did some
cleaning, but I can't know for sure. I really don't know what to make
of it all.
The next time I called to talk to the kids, my husband was all sweet
and reasonable. I kept thinking, "Give it up. It's too late now, you
goofball." Someone once told me I had a calming effect on some people.
They may be right. My husband had been doing mood swings like nobody's
business lately.
You may have noticed that I'm not calling the bastard my ex-husband yet.
That's because I can't get a hold of my lawyer to get her to file the
final papers and he's probably not going to. Sometimes I think I'm the
only one who wants this done and over with. I'm planning to fax my
lawyer a note stating I want this finished.
And of course, during the middle of all this crap, the truck blew a
tire while I was on the way to work. God was with me, however. I
realized what happened quickly enough to pull to the side of the
highway before I ruined the rim and a very nice Christian man stopped
about ten minutes later and changed the tire for me, so I didn't end
up destroying one of my best dresses. My brother in-law's wife told
me she was praying for my husband, not because she was on his side
(which she is not), but because she felt God was already watching over
me and that my husband wasn't going to ask God for help himself. That's
fine with me.
I visited my kids the first weekend in July too. Outside of one fight
between the kids, things went well. My mother in-law had already left
to go back home by the time I brought the kids back. I don't know what
she said to her son before she left, but he was rather calm when I had
picked up the kids and when we came back, he was mad at the world. I
can't see how it could have been something I did.
hehehehe...
Talked to the kids this past Sunday. Their father still sounded
irritable. When my daughter got on the line, she shouted, "We're
coming back next week to live with you again! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!"
I'm sure that didn't do much to help his mood. I know that when they
get back, I won't have any time to myself and they will run me ragged,
but I couldn't care less. I am so happy knowing they're coming back.
I am such a mom!
I finally gave up on a relationship with a friend who seemed to want
more than just friendship, at least at one time. Maybe I scared him
off. I don't know. All I know is that I finally sent him a current
picture of myself and he stopped writing me, except for sending a
webpage saying that friends will always be there for you. Nice
sentiment, but actions speak louder than words. I know it was an awful
picture, but he kept telling me that looks didn't mean anything. I
guess he wasn't as open-minded as he thought. On one hand, I did tell
myself that if I ever did become available, he would probably disappear
and I guess it's nice to know that I was right. On the other hand, it
hurts like hell. I must agree with the song sung by Vonda Sheperd:
"I'd rather you be mean, than love a lie.
I'd rather hear the truth,
and have to say goodbye.
I'd rather take a blow. At least then I
would know.
But, baby, don't you break my heart slow."
At least he wasn't the reason I left my husband. I'm not that stupid.
As for my husband, my theme song is Cher's "Believe". It fits my
marriage totally. Someone can leave you and still live in the same
house. I truly feel for the next man who tries to win my heart. He
has one hell of an obstacle course to navigate. Maybe it's not fair,
but I have been too accomodating in the past and it has only hurt me.
At least I have good judgement at picking male platonic friends.
They're the only reason I haven't decided to condemn the whole gender.
But when it come to my heart, my judgement stinks like a garbage dump.
Of course, that still doesn't mean I'm all that happy about my own
gender. Someone who I had considered a good friend has been betraying
me. I should have realized it when she seemed so tickled about the fact
that my husband had a crush on her. Of course, she insisted that she
would never betray her own husband and it's not like there has been
any real opportunity for her to. But he had a crush on another friend
of mine and she was offended that he would neglect me and our
children to help her with things she just mentioned offhandedly. As a
matter of fact, she was the one who first pointed out that I
should examine my marriage.
The second friend is still one of my
dearest friends. The first one has made her true loyalities show
whether she realizes it or not. When I tried to tell her about what I
was going through, she told me she didn't what to know everything,
because someone needed to be there for my husband. (Yes, I am stupid.)
Then she said that she didn't want to choose between the two of us and
promised that she wouldn't tell my husband anything I told her and that
she wouldn't tell me anything he told her. She kept that promise with
him only. While he was on the stand during the custody hearing, I found out
that she told him where the kids and I were, as well as my plans to
divorce him - she probably neglected to mention the fact that I would
have reconsidered if he had gotten himself some professional help.
There were a few other things that he mentioned that he could only had
found out through her.
Of course, she is probably is justifying herself
by saying that I am the flaky one--after all, she has always enjoyed
retelling the few times I've been overwrought and seems to forget the
times I've been strong. Whenever I did mention this tendency before
all this happened, she would always told that she knew I was a strong
person and that everyone needed someone to unburden to. And I was too
stupid to see the knife handle in my back. She also believes that my soon to be ex
would never hurt anyone, because he was so upset when he heard how her
first husband treated her. That is the worst logic in the world. Very
few people admit they would hurt people. My own mother will condemn
parents who do some of the exact same things she did. And I have seen
him hit our children hard. The only reason I never reported him was
because there were never any marks to prove that I was telling the
truth. I usually tried to be there and step in before he could react
and I glared at him whenever he did hit them, which is probably why he
told the judge that I wouldn't let him discipline the children.
If, by chance, this person did leave her husband and went to live with
my husband, I'm sure she would find herself in a very bad situation.
You see, part of the reason he has never hit me before is because I
instinctively know how to avoid physical confrontation, thanks to living
around my mother. This is not a figment of my imagination, even some
of the professionals I have seen have commented on this trait. This
person doesn't have a clue how to not to escalate things. She will
cower for awhile, but every so often she lashes out and ends up black
and blue. (Not by her second husband, though. He's a pretty decent
guy, but then her cat picked him.) My husband has told me that he has
no problem with the concept of hitting a woman if she "asks" for it.
Like I said, if she ever did live with the bastard, she would be in
big trouble and God help her, because I'm not sure she could live
through it. Heck! She still talks to the psycho she was first
married to. It's in her divorce decree that she has to talk to him
twice a year, or something like that. That has got to be one of the most
insane agreements I have ever heard of. It shouldn't come to anyone's
surprise that the lawyer for her divorce, who she praises so highly,
was the disbarred one who refered my husband to the criminal lawyer.
I may send her a thank you note after this is all over for helping him
get such incompetent help. I did consider confronting her after the
hearing, but decided it wouldn't serve any useful purpose. If she
has any sense at all, she'll give me wide berth, because I won't bother
with the "friend" charade.
July 21, 1999
Well, we signed an agreement to let someone lease our house until he
can qualify to assume to loan. I had to drive all the way back there
to sign it, instead of my husband meeting me at the halfway point and
trading custody of the kids there. I swear the man is doing everything
in his power to make me spend my money. He never feeds the kids before
I pick them up, so they are always hungry. One of my sister's thinks
he's on the verge of a serious mental illness and she may be right.
He makes more money than me and he keeps insisting that he's on the
verge of poverty. He has even told the kids that he will be living
out of the van after he moves out of the house. I wonder how the judge
would react to the kids visiting him while he's "homeless".
Oh! And he's also going to help that "friend" and her husband move
from Louisiana to Ohio here soon. Draw any conclusions you want--I'm
not even going to speculate. At least he's going to let me have the
dining room set.
Meanwhile, I just remembered that I had created some more pictures to
go with my Mythic Path a few weeks back, but I forgot to include
them. So, here they are:
Agnus |
Sylvia |
Sunflower |
July 28, 1999
I've been meaning to put up an entry for days, but when I finally get
some peace and quiet, I don't really feel like writing lately. Guess I
need to be stern with myself.
First off, I had to get a different shift at work to accomodate the
sister who is sitting my children. I don't mind, but I'm still not
sure about how I'm going to work out Saturdays. I supposedly have a
possible canidate for sitting on Saturdays, but I haven't had a chance
to talk to her this week. I am also looking for another job--one that
goes Monday to Friday. I hope I find something soon.
In other news, I sort of have a date with someone in a month. He called
me yesterday morning and asked if it was okay if he flew down to see
me. I told him it was fine as long as he wasn't looking for anything
more than friendship. I don't trust myself anymore when it comes to
romantic relationships.
I found something a week ago that made me smile. It's a quote from the
French mathematician, Pascal:
"There may or may not be a God; I may or may not believe in Him. The
only way I can lose is if there is a God and I do not believe in Him.
Therefore I shall believe in Him to minimize my downside risk."
I could go on and expound on this and other spiritual subjects, but
frankly, I'm beat.
July 30, 1999
Today was a good day. One company called me to see if I would be a
good canidate for a position they had open. I didn't have enough
experience in one area for them, but it was nice to know that I
had impressed them enough back in April that they still are trying
to find a spot for me, even though I spent eight years being a full
time mom. There may be another possible position for me there
opening up in a few weeks. It's nice to feel wanted.
I also had an interview today for a possible promotion to a
different department within my own company and that went quite well
too. I should know by next Friday if I get the job or not.
I have a sitter for my childern tomorrow and if I get the promotion,
I won't need a Saturday sitter. Also, one of the customers I helped
today said I was the most helpful person he had ever dealt with from
my company, though actually he was refering to our client company.
It really made me feel special.
Got to the school open house just time to take care of everything.
I was a frazzle and misunderstood what the PTA president was trying to
say to me, but she was a sweet person and realized I was about to
drop from the heat and such. I finally figured everything out a little
later. The kids will start school this Monday.
When we got home, I was really too beat to fix something, so I had pretty
much decided we were going to munch on leftovers. Then we realized that
the apartment complex was holding the summer pool party in the pool
behind our apartment. The party was suppose to have happened a few
weeks back, but got rained out. We feasted on pizza, played, talked,
listened to the DJ, and won movies tickets and $150 off our next month's
rent. It was so wonderful to just relax and not worry about anything.
The only downside to today is that one of my friends from work is in the
hospital. He had been coughing up blood last weekend and didn't go to
the emergency room until Tuesday night. (Several of us were badgering
him.) He had the beginnings of an ulcer he told me, but I suspect it's
more. He did come to work Wednesday, but went home after two hours.
I think he may have stayed his whole shift yesterday, but since I go
home before him, I'm not sure. Today, he called and said he was in
the hospital.
I suppose you may wonder what good I can see in this. Well, there is
a great deal. My friend has a suicidal streak and I was afraid it was
going to keep him from seeking medical help. Now he's showing a
desire to live. I promised him once that I would write his biography one
day. I reminded him of that promise Wednesday. He first muttered that
his life was boring and then he perked up and decided that maybe it
wasn't that boring after all. I'm trying to talk him into letting me
start writing it now. God knows writing about my own life has helped
me put thing in a much better prespective. I think it may help him
heal too.