What a pity human being can't exchange problems.
Everybody knows exactly how to solve the other fellow's.

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Staying in an Abusive Relationship

Some have said that if you are in an abusive relationship, you stay there, because you think you deserve it.

Not always so, people. There are other reasons to stay in such a relationship, such as social pressure, situational considerations, and such. I think that to say that this is true of everyone is another example of blaming the victim for the crime.

Someone else I know summarized these considerations quite nicely and she gave me permission to share that summarization here:

The very nature of an abusive relationship is involving the abuser convincing the abused that they deserved the abuse, and when the abuser is unable to convince because the level of abuse has reached a new height, the abuser must then humble themselves and beg forgiveness, thereby playing on the hopes of the abused that things will be different and the cycle startsagain.

It is quite a mind dance...

For those who do never believe they deserve the abuse, they may stay for a host of other reasons, for most in the common husband/wife(family) scenario it is most often because the woman wants a father for her children (social pressures) or is afraid that financially she can not make it. Fear of admitting failure is also a common reason. Strong belief in God and the vows of their marriage.

These issues are often enflamed by the fact that the abuser often isolates the abused from family, moving away, or alienating family members, often the abuser wants the abused to be completely dependant on them, requiring for instance that a wife stay home with the children.

And in those situations that are more volatile than others, the abused often fears that the abuser will become more violent after the abused finally makes a break.

It is unfortunate that there is no protection allow for domestic violence victims in the US. This last issue of all the issues is the worst. Once the abused has finally gained the gumption to leave the situation, they should be afforded protection. The only protection in family situations is to leave the children or to break the law and kidnap their own children, thereby becoming fugitives.

I could go on and on. It is a very sad and quite hopeless set up.

But it can be done and it is worth it. Some places do have a Women's Protective Services. And if you need a shoulder to cry on doing this time, you can always email me.

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