August 24, 1999
Long time - no write. I'm been very busy and extremely depressed. Still, there has been silver in the clouds.

I didn't get the job with my own company and after I received my review, I realized that I wasn't going to get anywhere in this company unless I could perform miracles. So, I went to a temp agency and after they tested me, they got me a temp-to-hire job at the corporate headquarters of a MAJOR company. It is a beautiful place to work in. It is graceful, artistic, and peaceful. People are busy, but they are also relaxed - at least in my area. There are no obvious clocks anywhere (except maybe the clock sub-department) - you have to look at your computer or phone to find out the time. I didn't realize it until lunch when I was in the cafeteria and couldn't find a clock to tell me what time it was.

The cafeteria was very elegant, but also relaxed. There were people eating off nice dishes sitting next to people eating out of plastic containers. There is also a courtyard outside with tables under spreading trees and a large fountain to listen to.

My little cubical has a few surprises of it's own. First, it has a decorative print on the outside wall - of course, that's so the automative mail carrier will know to stop there and let me get our subdepartment's mail, but it's still kind of nice. Second, for reasons no one I asked is sure of, my desk has a very elegant vanity mirror on it. I think it's actually one of the props for the catalog photo shoots, but I've decided to let it stay where it is until someone requests it back. I found myself glancing at it every so often and I actually look quite pretty in it. Then there's the large plastic teddy bear with pretzels in it and a few other items that I have yet to find the owner of. The sample rooms are filled with gorgeous stuff and it feels wonderful just to be around it. I'm trying to catch on quickly, I like it there. Especially, since 90% of the parking is covered and my truck is relatively cool when I go home.

Still, it hasn't been a bed of roses. I had to take a whole day off during my first week there because my son was sick. I had to take him to a free community children's clinic and stand out in the blistering sun to make sure we could get in without being turned away. Some church group came by with free ice water and lemonade - thank God! My son is doing better now.

The day before, one of my tire blew. The rim is still good. (I'm lucky with rims.) But I'm keep waiting for another one to bite the dust. I have been beyond broke for a few weeks now and there is still no sign of my child support. My lawyer has not filed any of the work and isn't returning any of my messages. I asked my husband if he could pay me at least some of it when we exchange the kids this weekend. He told me that he could not give me the full $400 for the month (he owns $800), but that he would do what he can.

As you can guess, I am under a lot of stress. I finally swallowed my pride and asked my church for help. I explained my situation, my new job, the lack of child support, and the bills I was afraid to open. The bishop and I went over the bills and then he took them and told me that they would be paid tomorrow and that they would even pay off some of my credit card, so I would have something for emergencies. He is also going to get some brethren over to my place to help me fix my truck and the sisters are going to make sure that there's food in the house. Frankly, I'm still in shock. This is the first time in my life that I have experienced charity like this. I mean, I knew intellectually that things like this happened - I have done a few things to help my church's welfare system - but I never thought that anyone would help *me* like that. He reminded me that I have been doing a good job and that everyone was there to help me. Suddenly, I don't feel so alone and I'm very grateful to God for His love and understanding.

I am also grateful to my little sister, who came over Friday and helped me clean my place some. I feel so overwhelmed sometimes and just knowing that someone else was going to help me gave me energy. I also have some new friends - one lady who is just a bundle of spunk and a man my age who lets me be cynical (I know his mom!). The lady has not only offered to help me clean when she can, but also wants us to spend time together. She says that I am a very vibrant and beautiful person, who lights up a room by just walking in it. She also says that when she closes her eyes at church and listens to me talk, that I sound like someone who has lived a long time and done a lot of thinking. Of course, she also thought my actual age was 24 *wink*! It is strange. I have had a lot of people tell me lately that I am such powerful and beautiful person and yet the men I have fallen for in the past don't seem to see it. Granted, I take really lousy pictures - photogenic, I am not. Yet, even though I feel that I've been griping about my life a bit too much and I'm overweight with bad teeth, people say they love having me around. I really don't understand it.

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